growing is hard

This year started off on a high. Creatively, I was growing, finally exploring my potential and finding the medium to express myself. Emotionally, I was in a good place. I was travelling from Sudan to Nicaragua to Beirut, alongside my closest friends. My family and sisters were good. I was being paid to write. I founded follow the halo to give back to the creative community in the region. I was preoccupied with building my life - something I craved to do properly since graduating.

Everything I ever wanted was in the cusp of my hands and I was almost about to declare 2018 the best year of my life.

But sometimes, life takes a really - really - steep turn. Many things started to go wrong, and I had to halt plans. The adventures I was planning were put on hold and the goals I was working towards started to move farther away from me. Now, I feel like 2018 has to officially be the worst year of my life. It sounds dramatic but I really haven’t been through a tougher time. I can only compare this to the difficult years I had at University. I always thought I had left those behind me when I graduated.

Anyway, in the midst of all this, I wonder if I am handling it. I wonder if I am doing okay. I wonder if this is growth. I wonder if I am resilient. Am I?

I often find myself feeling intense rage and anger. Why is this happening? What did I do to deserve it? Moreover, am I the only 26 year old experiencing this? I feel anger and rage, at God, at the Universe, at life.

I also feel a deep sadness. I feel a sense of loss. I lost the ability to follow my dreams.

It’s funny because I found these zines (as I always do) about dealing with difficult emotions. Just looking at them makes me feel better. Below is a zine titled “For Girls Who Cry Often” by Canadian illustrator Lina Wu. I found her work on artsy.net.

I might make my own set of zines about how I am feeling right now. Maybe I’ll share them on my blog. I feel like it might be a good way to release a lot of what’s inside me.

Also I want to say, that just because someone looks like they have their life in order on the outside doesn’t mean that they actually do have it in order. I find it ridiculous how often I get snarky comments from friends or acquaintances - obviously envious of whatever they assume to be happening in my life - about certain achievements. Its funny how quick we are to hurt others without knowing anything about them. Its funny how quick we are to hurt others period.

I guess I wrote this post because I’ve been trying so hard to get my life together that I rarely come on here to share my thoughts or feelings. I want to do that more often.

Also, if you’re someone who knows me and sees this, please know that snarky-ness and mean things are not welcome in my space. I am only allowing good energy into my life these days.

Speak soon.

Darah